Eric Harris’s Journal

Eric Harris’s Journal

Eric Harris expressed his thoughts both in the writings of his web pages and in a manuscript diary that was found in his home and whose translation you can read below.
Although Eric's writing is quite readable, some words are indicated as "illegible" or followed by a question mark to indicate lack of certainty.
Unlike Dylan, Eric wrote the entry date at the end of it.
Jefferson County has censored some names by making these documents public.

I hate the fucking world, too much god damn fuckers in it. Too many thoughts and different societies all wrapped up together in this fucking place called AMERICA. Everyone has their own god damn opinions on every god damn thing and you may be saying “well what makes you so different?” because I have something only me and V have, SELF AWARENESS. Call it existentialism or whatever the fuck you want. We know what we are to this world and what everyone else is. We learn more than what caused the civil war and how to simplify quadratics in school. We have been watching you people. We know what you think and how you act. All talk and no actions. People who are said to be brave or courageous are usually just STUPID. Then they say later that they did it on purpose cause they are brave when they did [it] on fucking accident. GOD everything is so corrupt and so filled with opinions and points of view and people’s own little agendas and schedules. This isn’t a world anymore. It’s HOE and no one knows it. Self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know I will die soon, so will you and everyone else. Maybe we will be lucky and a comet will smash us back to day 1. people say it is immoral to follow others, they say be a leader. Well here is a fuckin news flash for you stupid shits, everyone is a follower! Everyone who says they aren’t followers and then dresses different or acts different . .. they got that from something they saw on TV or in film or in life. No originality. How many Jo MAMMA jokes are there and how many do you think are original and not copied. KEINE [German: none]. It’s a fucking filthy place we live in. All these standards and laws and great expectations [?] are making people into robots even though they might “think” they aren’t and try to deny it. No matter how hard I try to NOT copy someone I still AM! Except for this fucking piece of paper right here, and BTW [by the way] spelling is stupid unless I say, I say spell it how it sounds, it’s the fuckin easiest way! Hey try this sometime, when someone tells you something, ask “why?” eventually they will be stumped and can’t answer any more. That’s because they only know what they need to know in society and school. Not real life science. They will end up saying words = to this “because! Just shut up!” People that only know stupid facts that aren’t important should be shot, what fucking use are they. NATURAL SELECTION. Kill all retards, people with brain fuck ups, drug addicts, people who can’t figure out how to use a fucking lighter. Geeeawd! People spend millions of dollars on saving the lives of retards, and why. I don’t buy that shit like “oh, he’s my son, though!” so the fuck what, he ain’t normal, kill him. Put him out of his misery. He is only a waste of time and money, then people say “but he is worth the time, he is human too.” No he isn’t, if he was then he would swallow a bullet cause he would realize what a fucking [illegible] he was.

4/10/98

As I said before, self-awareness is a wonderful thing. I know what all you fuckers are thinking and what to do to piss you off and make you feel bad. I always try to be different, but I always end up copying someone else. I try to be a mixture of different things and styles, but when I step out of myself I end up looking like others or others THINK I am copying. One big fucking problem is people telling me what to fuckin do, think, say, act, and everything else. I’ll do what you say IF I feel like it. But people (ie, parents, cops, God, teachers) telling me what to [arrow to “do, think, say, act”] makes me not want to fucking do it! That’s why my fucking name is REB!!! No one is worthy of shit unless I say they are. I feel like God and I wish I was, having everyone being OFFICIALLY lower than me. I already know that I am higher than most anyone in the fucking welt [German: world] in terms of universal Intelligence. And where we stand in the universe compared to the rest of the UNIVERSE. and if you think I don’t know what I’m talking about then you can just “BUCK DICH” [German: bend over]4 and saugen mein hund [German: suck my dog]! Isn’t America supposed to be the land of the free? How come, If I’m free, I can’t deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his possessions if he leaves them sitting in the front seat of his fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle of fucking nowhere on a Frifuckingday night.5 NATURAL SELECTION. Fucker should be shot. Same thing with all those rich snotty toadies at my school. Fuckers think they are higher than me and everyone else with all their $ just because they were born into it? Ich denk NEIN [German: I think not]. BTW [by the way], “sorry” is just a word. It doesn’t mean SHIT to me. Everyone should be put to a test, an ULTIMATE DOOM test, see who can survive in an environment using only ‘smarts’ and military skills. Put them in a Doom world, no authority, no refuge, no BS copout excuses. If you can’t figure out the area of a triangle or what “cation” means, you die! If you can’t take down a demon with a chainsaw or kill a hell prince with a shotgun, you die! Fucking snotty rich fuckheads [apparently a name] who rely on others or on sympathy or $ to get them through life should be put to this challenge. Plus it would get rid of all the fat, retarded, crippled, stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless people of this world. No one is worthy of this planet, only me and who ever I choose, there is just no respect for anything higher than your fucking boss or parent. Everyone should be shot out into space and only those people I say should be left behind.

4/12/98

Ever wonder why we go to school? Besides getting a so-called education. It’s not too obvious to most of you stupid fucks but for those who think a little more and deeper you should realize it. Its society’s way of turning all the young people into good little robots and factory workers. That’s why we sit in desks in rows and go by bell schedules, to get prepared for the real world cause “that’s what its like.” Well god damn it no it isn’t! one thing that separates us from other animals is the fact that we can carry actual thoughts. So why don’t we? People go on day by day routine shit. Why can’t we learn in school how we want to, why can’t we sit on desks and on shelves and put our feet up and relax while we learn? Cause that’s not what the “real world is like.” Well hey fuckheads, there is no such thing as an actual “real world.” Its just another word like justice, sorry, pity, religion, faith, luck and so on. We are humans, if we don’t like something we have the fucking ability to change! But we don’t, at least you don’t, I would. You just whine/bitch throughout life but never do a goddamn thing to change anything. “man can eat, drink, fuck, and hunt and anything else he does is madness” — Based on Lem’s quote.6 Boy oh fuckin boy is that true. When I go NBK7 and people say things like, “oh, it was so tragic,” or “oh he is crazy!” or “It was so bloody.” I think, so the fuck what you think that’s a bad thing? Just because your mumsy and dadsy told you blood and violence is bad, you think it’s a fucking law of nature? Wrong. Only science and math are true, everything, and I mean everyfuckingthing else is Man made. My doctor wants to put me on medication8 to stop thinking about so many things and to stop getting angry. Well, I think that anyone who doesn’t think like me is just bullshitting themselves. Try it sometime if you think you are worthy, which you probably will you little shits, drop all your beliefs and views and ideas that have been burned into your head and try to think about why your here. But I bet most of you fuckers can’t even think that deep, so that is why you must die. How dare you think that I and you are part of the same species when we are sooooooo different.9 You aren’t human. You are a robot. You don’t take advantage of your capabilities given to you at birth. You just drop them and hop onto the boat and head down the stream of life with all the other fuckers of your time. Well god damn it I won’t be part of it! I have thought too much, realized too much, found out too much, and I am too self aware to just stop what I am thinking and go back to society because what I do and think isn’t “right” or “morally accepted.” NO, NO, NO. God fucking damn it NO! I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts. But before I leave this worthless place, I will kill who ever I deem unfit for anything at all. Especially life. And if you pissed me off in the past, you will die if I see you. Because you might be able to piss off others and have it eventually blow over, but not me. I don’t forget people who wronged me, like . He will never get a chance to read this because he will be dead by me before this is discovered. 4/21/98 The human race sucks. Human nature is smothered out by society, job, and work and school. Instincts are deleted by laws. I see people say things that contradict themselves, or people that don’t take any advantage to the gift of human life. They waste their minds on memorizing the stats of every college basketball player or how many words should be in a report when they should be using their brain on more important things. The human race isn’t worth fighting for anymore. WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last time human life and human brains did any good and made us proud. Now, with the government having scandals and conspiracies all over the fucking place and lying to everyone all the time and with worthless, pointless, mindless, disgraceful TV shows on and with everyone ob-fucking-sessed with Hollywood and beauty and fame and glamour and politics and anything famous, people just aren’t worth saving. Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how your “supposed to” so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. But that’s after your parents taught you what’s right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must follow the rules. After school you are expected to get a job or go to college. To have more of your human nature blown out your ass. Society tries to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. That’s what schools, laws, jobs, and parents do. If they realize it or not. And them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading. If humans were let to live how we would naturally, it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldn’t probably last that long, but hey guess what, that’s how it’s supposed to be!!!!! Societies and government are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. Take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do if the governments in our own little so called self-created “civilized world” and get rid of all those damn [or Darwin?] instincts everyone has!! Bullshit. I’m too tired to write anymore tonight, so until next time, fuck you all.

5/6/98

It has been confirmed, after getting my yearbook and watching people like and the human race isn’t worth fighting for, only worth killing. Give the Earth back to the animals, they deserve it infinitely more than we do. Nothing means anything anymore, most quotes are worthless, especially the rearranged ones like “don’t fight your enemies, make your enemies fight.” You know, quotes that use the same phrase just rearranged, Dumb fuck shit [illegible] it’s funny, people say “you shouldn’t be so different” to me, and 1st I say fuck you don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t be and 2nd mother fuckers different is good, I don’t want to be like you or anyone which is almost impossible this day with all the little shits trying to be “original copycats”, I expect shits like you to criticize anyone who isn’t one your social words, “normal” or “civilized” — see: Tempest and Caliban. All you degrading worthless shits all caught up and brainwashed into the 90’s society. “what? You AREN’T going to college, are you crazy!” holy SHIT that is one fucking BIG quote that just proves my point. Step back and look at yourself fuckers, I dare you, maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll step back to far like Nick in E1M311 with the same consequence.

5/9/98

Wooh, different pen. HA! All right you pathetic fools listen up; I have figured it out. The human race strives for excellence in life and community always wanting to bring more =good= into the community. And nullify “bad” things. Anyone who thinks differently than the majority or the leaders is deemed “unusual” or weird or crazy. People want to be a part of something, a family, a service, a club, a union, a community, whatever. That’s what humans want. Who cares what you as an individual thinks, you must do what you are told, whether it is jump off a bridge or drive on the right side of the road. Protesters in the past protested because the human race that was dominant (Ghandhi and the Brits or the king or the Americans) wasn’t working out = they had fault = they failed = their ideas didn’t work. Humans don’t change that much, they only get better technology to do their work quicker/easier. People always say we shouldn’t be racist. Why not? Blacks ARE different. Like it or not they are. They started out on the bottom so why not keep em there. It took them centuries to convince us that they are equal but they still use their color as an excuse or they just discriminate us because we are white. Fuck you, we should ship yer black asses back to Afrifuckingca were you came from. We brought you here and we will take you back. America = white. Gays. . . . well all gays, ALL gays, should be killed. Mit keine fragen [German: without questions]. Lesbians are fun to watch if they are hot but still, its not human. It’s a fucking disease. You don’t see bulls or roosters trying to fuck, do you? No, I didn’t think so. Women, you will always be under men. It’s been seen throughout nature, males are almost always doing the dangerous shit while the women stay back. It’s your animal instincts, deal with it or commit suicide, just do it quick. That’s all for now. 5/20/98 If you recall your history the Nazis came up with a “final solution” to the Jewish problem. Kill them all. Well, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I say “KILL MANKIND” no one should survive. We all live in lies [?]. People are always saying they want to live in a perfect society, well utopia doesn’t exist. It is human to have flaws. You know what. Fuck it. Why should I have to explain myself to you survivors when half of this shit I say you shitheads won’t understand and if you can then woopie fucking do. That just means you have something to say as my reason for killing. And the majority of the audience won’t even understand my motives either! They’ll say “ah, he’s crazy, he’s insane, worthless! All you fuckers should die! DIE! What the fuck is the point if only some people see what I am saying, there will always be ones who don’t, ones that are to dumb or naïve or ignorant or just plain retarded. If I can’t pound it into every single persons head then it is pointless. Fuck money fuck justice fuck morals fuck civilized fuck rules fuck laws . . . DIE manmade words . . . people think they apply to everything when they don’t/can’t. There’s no such thing as True Good or True evil, it’s all relative to the observer. It’s just all nature, chemistry, and math. Deal with it. But since dealing with it seems impossible for mankind, since we have to slap warning labels on nature, then ... you die, burn, melt, evaporate, decay. Just go the fuck away. YAAAAAA!!! “When in doubt, confuse the hell out of the enemy.” Fly

9/2/9812

KEIN MITLEID [German: without mercy] wait, mercy doesn’t exist....

6/12/98

Here’s something to chew on . . . today I saw a program on the discovery channel about satellites and radar and aircraft and stuff, and at the end of the show the narrator said some things that made me think “damn, we are so advanced, we kick ass, America is awesome, we have so many things in our military, we would kick anyone’s ass.” For a minute I actually had some pride in our nation . . . then I realized, “hey, this is only the GOOD things that I am seeing here. Only the pros, not the cons. Maybe that’s what people see, only the pros, and that’s why they are under control, but me, I see all ... you can only blind me for so long, but alas, I have realized that Yes, the human race is still indeed doomed. It just needs a few kick starts, like me, and hell, maybe even . If I can wipe a few cities off the map, and even the fuckhead holding the map, then great. Hmm, just thinking if I want all humans dead or maybe just the quote-unquote “civilized, developed, and known-of” places on Earth, maybe leave little tribes of natives in the rain forest or something. Hmm, I’ll think about that. Eh, done for tonight. REB 6/13/98 As part of the human race, and having the great pleasure of being blessed with a brain, I can think. Humans can do whatever they want. There is no laws of nature that prevent humans from making choices. Maybe from actually DOING some of those choices, but not from making the choice. If a man chooses to speed while driving home one day then it is his fault for whatever happens. If he crashes into a school bus full of kiddies and they all burn to death, it’s his fault. It’s only a tragedy if you think it is, and then it’s only a tragedy in your own mind so you shouldn’t expect others to think that way also. It could also be a miracle for another person maybe that bus stopped the car from plowing into a little old lady walking on the sidewalk, one could think it was a “miracle” that she wasn’t hit. You see, anything and everything that happens in our world is just that, a HAPPENING. Anything else is relative to the observer, but yet we try to have a “universal law” or “code” of what is good and bad and that just isn’t fuckin correct. We shouldn’t be allowed to do that. We aren’t GODS, just because we are at the top of the food chain with our technology doesn’t mean we can be “judges” of nature. Sure we can think what we want, but you can “think” and “behave” you can judge people and nature all you want, but you are still wrong! Why should your morals apply to everyone else. “Morals” is just another word, and that’s it. I think we are all a waste of natural resources and should be killed off, and since humans have the ability to choose ... and I’m human . . . I think I will choose to kill and damage as much as nature allows me to so take that, fuck you, and eat napalm + lead! HA! Only nature can stop me. I know I could get shot by a cop after only killing a single person, but hey guess the fuck WHAT! I chose to kill that one person so get over it! It’s MY fault! Not my parents, not my brothers, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media. IT is MINE! Go shut the fuck up! -REB- 7/29/98 Someone’s bound to say “what were they thinking?” when we go NBK or when we were planning it, so this is what I am thinking. “I have a goal to destroy as much as possible so I must not be sidetracked by my feelings of sympathy, mercy, or any of that, so I will force myself to believe that everyone is just another monster from Doom like FH [Former Human, mob in Doom] or FS [Former Sergeant] or demons, so it’s either me or them. I have to turn off my feelings.” Keep this in mind, I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone except about 5 people, who I will name later, so if you are reading this you are lucky you escaped my rampage because I wanted to kill you. It will be very tricky getting all of our supplies, explosives, weaponry, ammo, and then hiding it all and then actually planting it all so we can achieve our goal. But if we get busted any time, we start killing then and there, just like Wilks from the ALIENS books [comic books], I ain’t going out without a fight. Once I finally start my killing, keep this in mind, there are probably about 100 people max in the school alone who I don’t want to die, the rest, MUST FUCKING DIE! If I didn’t like you or if you pissed me off and lived through my attacks, consider yourself one lucky god damn NIGGER. Pity that a lot of the dead will be a waste in some ways, like dead hot chicks who were still bitches, they could have been good fucks. Oh well, too fucking bad. Life isn’t fair. . . . not by a long fuckin shot when I’m at the wheel, too. God I want to torch and level everything in this whole fucking area but bombs of that size are hard to make, and plus I would need a fuckin fully loaded A-10 to get every store on Wadsworth and all the buildings downtown. Heh, imagine THAT you fuckers, picture half of Denver on fire just from me and Vodka. Napalm on sides of skyscrapers and car garages blowing up from exploded gas tanks. ... oh man that would be beautiful.

10/23/98

You know what, I feel like telling about lies. I lie a lot. Almost constant, and to everybody, just to keep my own ass out of the water. And by the way (side note) I don’t think I am doing this for attention, as some people may think. Let’s see, what are some big lies I have told; “yeah I stopped smoking;” “for doing it not for getting caught,” “no I haven’t been making more bombs,” “no I wouldn’t do that,” and of course, countless of other ones, and yeah I know that I hate liars and I am one myself, oh fucking well. It’s ok if I am a hypocrite, but no one else, because I am higher than you people, no matter what you say if you disagree I would shoot you. And I am one racist mother fucker too, fuck the niggers and spics and chinks, unless they are cool, but sometimes they are so fucking retarded they deserve to be ripped on. Some people go through life begging to be shot, and white fucks are just the same. If I could nuke the world I would, because so far I hate you all. There are probably around 10 people I wouldn’t want to die, but hey, who ever said life is fair should be shot like the others, too.

KKK [swastika drawing] SS [American flag drawing]

11/1/98

Heh heh heh. I sure had fun this weekend. Let’s see, what really happened. Before going to Rock-n-Bowl we stopped by King Soopers and me and picked up some big ass stogies. We then went to Rock-n-Bowl and I had a few cigarettes and one of my brand new cigars. We then went back to ’s house where her mom had previously bought us all a fuck load of liquor. Personally I had asked for Tequila and Irish cream, Vodka got his Vodka, and there was beer, whiskey, schnapps, puckers, scotch, and of course, orange juice! So we had some fun there playing cards and making drinks. We eventually made it to bed at about 5 AM. Got up at 10, went to Safeway got some doughnuts and then I took Vodka home. The bottle of Tequila is almost full and is in my car right by my spare tire and right by the bottle of Irish Cream. Heh heh. I’ll have to find a spot for those. And by the way, this Nazi report is boosting my love of killing even more. Like the early Nazi government, my brain is like a sponge, sucking up everything that sounds cool and leaving out all that is worthless. That’s how Nazism was formed, and that’s how I will be too!

11/8/98 

Fuck you Brady!14 All I want is a couple of guns, and thanks to your fucking bill I will probably not get any! Come on, I’ll have a clean record and I only want them for personal protection. It’s not like I’m some psycho who would go on a shooting spree. . . . fuckers. I’ll probably end up nuking everything and fucking robbing some gun collector’s house. Fuck, that’ll be hard. Oh well, just as long as I kill a lot of fucking people. Everyone is always making fun of me because of how I look, how fucking weak I am and shit, well I will get you all back, ultimate fucking revenge here. You people could have shown more respect, treated me better, asked for my knowledge or guidance more, treated me more like a senior, and maybe I wouldn’t have been so ready to tear your fucking heads off. Then again, I have always hated how I looked, I make fun of people who look like me, sometimes without even thinking sometimes just because I want to rip on myself.That’s where a lot of my hate grows from. The fact that I have practically no self-esteem, especially concerning girls and looks and such. Therefore people make fun of me ... constantly ... therefore I get no respect and therefore I get fucking PISSED. As of this date I have enough explosions to kill about 100 people, and then if I get a couple bayonets, swords, axes, whatever I’ll be able to kill at least 10 more. And that just isn’t enough! Guns! I need guns! Give me some fucking firearms!

11/12/98

HATE! I’m full of hate and I love it. I HATE PEOPLE and they better fucking fear me if they know what’s good for ’em. Yes I hate and I guess I want others to know it, yes I’m a racist and I don’t mind. Niggs and spics bring it on to themselves, and another thing, I am very racist towards white trash P.O.S.’s [piece of shits] like and they deserve the hatred, otherwise I probably wouldn’t hate them. It’s a tragedy, the human nature of people will lead to their downfall. People’s human nature will get them killed. Whether by me or Vodka, it’s happened before, and not just school shootings like those pussy dumbasses over in Minnesota who squealed.16 Throughout history, its our fucking nature! I know how people are and why and I can’t stand it! I love the Nazis too . . . by the way, I fucking can’t get enough of the swastika, the SS, and the iron cross. Hitler and his head boys fucked up a few times and it cost them the war, but I love their beliefs and who they were, what they did, and what they wanted. I know that form of government couldn’t have lasted long once the human equation was brought in, but damn it, it sure looked good. Every form of government leads to downfalls, everything will always fuck up or yeah something. It’s all doomed, god damn it. This is beginning to make me get in a corner. I’m showing too much of myself, my views and thoughts, people might start to wonder, smart ones will get nosy and something might happen to fuck me over, I might need to put on one helluva mask here to fool you all some more. Fuck fuck fuck. It’ll be very fucking hard to hold out until April. If people would give me more compliments all of this might still be avoidable . . . but probably not. Whatever I do people make fun of me, and sometimes directly to my face. I’ll get revenge soon enough. Fuckers shouldn’t have ripped on me so much huh!17 Ha! Then again it’s human nature to do what you did . . . so I guess I am also attacking the human race. I can’t take it, it’s not right . . . true . . . correct . . . perfect. I fucking hate the human equation. Nazism would be fucking great if it weren’t for individualism and our natural instinct to ask questions. You know what maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe that’ll just change some shit around. That’s another thing, I am a fucking dog. I have fantasies of just taking someone and fucking them hard and strong. Someone like where I just pick her up, take her to my room, tear off her shirt and pants and just eat her out and fuck her hard. I love flesh . . . weisses fleisch! Dein weisses fleisch erregt mich so, Ich bin doch nur ein Gigolo! [German: Your white flesh excites me so, I am just a gigolo]. I want to grab a few different girls in my gym class, take them into a room, pull their pants off and fuck them hard. I love flesh . . . the smooth legs, the large breasts, the innocent flawless body, the eyes, the hair, jet black, blond, white, brown, ahhh I just want to fuck! Call it teenager hormones or call it a crazy fuckin racist rapist. Es ist mir egal [German: it’s all the same to me]. I just want to be surrounded by the flesh of a woman, someone like who I wanted to just fuck like hell, she made me practically drool, when she wore those shorts to work . . . instant hard on . . . I couldn’t stop staring. And others like [several names] in my gym class, or whatever in my gym class, and others who I just want to overpower and engulf myself in them. Mmm. I can taste the sweet flesh now ... the salty sweet, the animalistic movement . . . iccchhh . . . lieeebe . . . . . . . fleisccchhhh [German: I love flesh]. “Weisses fleisch” — perfect song for me. Who can I trick into my room first? I can sweep someone off their feet, tell them what they want to hear, be all nice and sweet, and then “fuck ’em like an animal, feel them from the inside” as Reznor19 said. Oh — that’s something else . . . that one NIN [Nine Inch Nails] video I saw, “Broken” or “Closer”20 or something. The one where the guy is kidnapped and tortured like hell ... actual hell. I want to do that too. I want to tear a throat out with my own teeth like a pop can. I want to gut someone with my hand, to tear a head off and rip out the heart and lungs from the neck, to stab someone in the gut, shove it up to their heart, and yank the fucking blade out of their rib cage! I want to grab some weak little freshman and just tear them apart like a wolf, show them who is god. Strangle them, squish their head, bite their temples in the skull, rip off their jaw, rip off their collar bones, break their arms in half and twist them around, the lovely sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping, ahhh ... so much to do and so little chances.

11/17/98

Well folks, today was a very important day in the history of Reb today, along with Vodka and someone else who I won’t name,21 we went downtown and purchased the following: a double barrel 12 ga. Shotgun, a pump action 12 ga. Shotgun, a 9mm carbine, 250 9mm rounds, 15 12 ga slugs, 40 shotgun shells, 2 switch blade knives, and a total of 4 10-round clips for the carbine. We . . . . . . . . have . . . . . . GUNS! we fucking got them you sons of bitches! HA! HA HA HA! Neener! Booga Booga. Heh. It’s all over now. This capped it off, the point of no return. I have my carbine, shotgun, ammo and knife all in my trunk tonight and they’ll stay there till tomorrow ... after school you know, its really a shame. I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there Dad. We would have done some major bonding. Would have been great. Oh well. But alas, I fucked up and told about my flask. that really disappointed me . I know you thought it was good for me in the long run and all that shit, smart of you to give me such a big raise and then rat me out.22 You figure it was supposed to cancel each other? God damn flask, that just fucked me over bigtime. Now you all will be on my ass even more than before about being on track. I’ll get around it though. If [I] have to cheat and lie to everyone than that’s fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want “to do with my life.” You know what’s weird, I don’t feel like punching through a door because of the flask deal, probably cause I am fucking armed. I feel more confident, stronger, more God-like. I have confidence in my ability to deceive people, hopefully I’ll make it to April, but that might not happen. Ug, its been a busy weekend, I need to sleep, I’ll continue tomorrow.

11/22/98

Yesterday we fired our first firearms ever. 3 rounds from the carbine. Taught that ground a thing or 2. I even had the 2 clips in my pocket while talking to Vodka’s dad about senior ditch day. God it felt great firing off that bad boy, and hopefully I’ll be able to get more than just 4 clips for it. I dubbed my shotgun “Arlene” after Arlene Sanders from the DOOM books. She always did love the shotgun. Vodka’s OB [?] is looking fucking awesome, all cut down to the proper lengths. This is a bitch trying to keep up with homework while working on my guns, bombs, and lying. By the way, I bought that flask in the mall and I had a friend fill it up with scotch whiskey, only had about 3 swigs in the 3 weeks I had it. Plus Monday I gave my T and IC [tequila and Irish cream] to Vodka, just in case. I never really did like alcohol, just wasn’t my thing, but it felt good to just have around. That argument on the 22nd was a real bitch, but I think I should have won a fucking Oscar. I even quoted a few movies, remember “what the hell am I gonna do now man?! What am I gonna do!?” that’s good ole Hudson from “Aliens.” Sounded good too. And hey god damn it I would have been a fucking great marine. It would have give me a reason to do good. And I would never drink and drive, either. It will be weird when we actually go on the rampage. Hopefully we will have plenty of clips and bombs. I’m gonna still try and get my calico 9mm. Just think, 100 rounds without reloading.. .. hell yeah! We actually may have a chance to get some machine pistols thanks to the Brady bill. If we can save up about $200 real quick and find someone who is 21+ we can go to the next gun show and find a private dealer and buy ourselves some bad-ass AB-10 machine pistols. Clips for those things can get really fucking bit too.

12/3/98

woohoo, I’ll never have to take a final again! Feels good to be free. I just love Hobbes and Nietzsche. Well tomorrow I’ll be ordering 9 more 10-round clips for my carbine. I’m gonna be so fucking loaded in about a month. The big things we need to figure out now is the time bombs for the commons and how we will get them in and leave them there to go off, without any fuckin Jews finding them. I wonder if anyone will write a book on me. Sure is a ton of symbolism, double meanings, themes, appearance vs. reality shit going on here. Oh well, it better be fuckin good if it is written.

12/17/98

Heh, get this. KMFDM’s new album’s entitled “Adios” and its release date is in April. How fuckin appropriate, a subliminal final “Adios” tribute to Reb and Vodka, thanks KMFDM ... I ripped the hell outa the system. Jesus christ that was fucking close. Fucking shitheads at the gunshop almost dropped the whole project.24 Oh well, thank god I can BS so fucking well. I went and picked up those babies today, so now I got 13 of those niggers woohah. The stereo is very nice, but having no insurance payments to worry about so I could concentrate of BOMBS would have been better. Oh well, I think I’ll have enough. Now I just need to get Vodka another gun.

12/29/98

Months have passed. It’s the first Friday night in the final month. Much shit has happened. Vodka has a Tec 9, we test fired all of our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets [small bombs] 24 pipe bombs, and the napalm is under construction. Right now I’m trying to get fucked and trying to finish off these time bombs. NBK came quick, why the fuck can’t I get any? I mean, I’m nice and considerate and all that shit, but nooooo. I think I try too hard. But I kinda need to, considering NBK is closing in. The amount of dramatic irony and foreshadowing is fucking amazing. Everything I see and hear I incorporate into NBK somehow. Either bombs, clocks, guns, napalm, killing people, any and everything finds some tie to it. Feels like a goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some mines and trip bombs around this town too maybe. Get a few extra frags on the scoreboard. I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. And no don’t fucking say “well that’s your fault” because it isn’t, you people had my phone #, and I asked and all, but no. no no no don’t let the weird looking Eric KID come along, ooh fucking nooo.

4/3/99


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